Contradiction

I am a living, breathing contradiction

Yes, being composed of incongruity is my affliction

The facets of my life feel more like fiction

So, I use words like incongruity in my dynamic diction

To distract from me not always knowing how to start a poem

You know

That thing composed of a beginning, middle, and end

I only ever fixate on the end

The end of every sonnet

Every interaction

Every decision that keeps this house of anxieties haunted

You know for my job, I’m supposed to have all the answers?

I’m a leader

I’m a manager

Yet I hide behind false bravado and witty banter

Confidence buried so deep down that Death itself had to see if I was cool

Family surrounds me

Looking at me to be the example

The Jamaican immigrant’s dream

A good job

No debt

Marriage material

But if they all woke up, they’d see

A resignation slowly in progress

Sallie Mae being the only woman in my pockets

And a very much non-female parade of prospects

I want a serious relationship

But in the last month found myself entangled in bed with

Three different entanglements

Two whose names I can’t remember

One who I have saved under a chalkboard emoji

With zero interests in seeing any of them ever again

I crave adventure but avert from risks

I check on everyone’s mental health like 12 years ago I wasn’t hiding slashed wrists

Every day I question if I’m a failure despite all my accomplishments

I love writing poems

Even though I think most of mine suck

I’m a pacifist by nature

But I’ll knuck if you buck

I curse like a sailor but I’m trying to get published

So, I’m trying to avoid phrases like “this some horse shit”

Instead, I’ll say “Ayo this some equestrian excrement”

I’ve got the soul of a starving artist

In the body of a nigga who likes to eat

That’s the only reason this resignation is still sitting on my screen

I love all the love in my life even though I don’t think I deserve it

I’m still meandering through this existence trying to figure out my purpose

Should I stay the course and be a man of distinction?

For now, I’m happy being me, a simple contradiction